Do you have a maid?

This is a post about outsourcing or in our local lingo, subcontracting.

At the peak of my career in my so-called past life, I didn't have to do much to sustain myself. Except for making my bed in the morning, taking a bath and driving to work, I let others do the donkey work. The restaurants cooked my meals, I had someone pick up my laundry once a week, people cleaned my condo twice a week, and someone wiped the car clean every day. Yes, outsourcing was my middle name. The only thing I didn't have was someone to wipe my a**.

In the office, my personal assistant handled all my logistics. Morning coffee, documents, dinner, flight, accomodations. There was one time when the company generously offered me a driver. I tried it for a month, sitting at the back like a towkay, and then decided nah... it just didn't feel right. I found myself burying my face in a book (facebook?) everytime I saw a friend walk or drive by. Something about not wanting to set expectations I cannot meet. And furthermore I dressed too casually to be driven around.

In Hong Kong, what do they call someone who drives a BMW? The owner. And someone who drives a Mercedes? The driver. Go figure. There's an American version. What do you call a Latino who drives a Merc? A thief. Hahaha. Bad racist joke by the mat sallehs.

Anyway, overheard at the coffee shop the other day: "You sure its a good idea to hire a maid to look after my children? What if the kids start calling her mummy?"

Ah so, we got a new panic in the households now.

Careful guys. Ask about the necessity of maids and you might just end up with a gender war. What! You mean women are not supposed to have a life izzit? What about you men, why aren't you doing your share of the housework, bla bla bla.

I'm not getting into that but I do want to get into our noticeably growing appetite for personal outsourcing, regardless of task and gender association, because there is a bigger question in my mind. Where do you draw the line in personal outsourcing? Do you think there should even be a line?

Think we've peaked at having others do our cooking, laundry, daycare and house cleaning? Not so fast. If we are really, really busy, we can now subcontract childbearing to surrogate mothers. I believe rent-a-womb is what its called. Still no time after that? Get a maid cum nanny. Wait, got something for men too. Fertility problems? No worries. You can outsource DNA extraction to sperm banks. Imagine - no need to waste time in courtship, marriage, fathering, mothering. Got money, got baby in a box.

Got some more. If you are gay or lesbian, I hear you can rent a husband or wife for the evening. A handy way to avoid pesky questions at official functions. I doubt you can find it in Malaysia though. Here we have GROs that charge by the hour but I don't know if they do gays.

Will we see surrogate mothers-in-law, fathers-in-law, even children in our lifetime? Yup, I think so. There's a huge silent market of people wishing to enjoy a complete family life without all its complications, plus a switch to make it all disappear when inconvenient. It'll be a hit in Singapore, I can tell you that. I can already imagine the ultimate subcontracting deal: Go make your money! Enjoy your soccer and shopping! Let us take care of the rest! Its just a matter of time before some enterprising person makes it a reality.

Have I mentioned why I gave up the company driver and eventually stopped driving to work, opting for the MRT instead?

Let me tell you what I get when I take the MRT. Long walks. Fresh air. A thousand faces. A broken light fixture at the ceiling. New ad posters. Gossip. Teenager in latest fashion. Old lady with weird bag. Help old lady with weird bag. Guy arguing with girlfriend over the phone. Tiny wild flower growing through a crack in the wall. Stray kitty basking in the morning sun. Flash a smile at someone who looks depressed. Help tourist take photo. Share umbrella with stranger when it pours.

And this is what I get whan I am chauffered to work. Cars. Bikes. Jams. Cars. Bikes. Jams.

Of course it all depends on what commuting means to you. Is it a chore that you want to put behind you as quickly as possible, like avoiding obstacles between A and B in record time, or is it something you keep with you, like having an enriching conversation with a stranger on the way to a meet?

What about this maid business, isn't it a leap to think that having one will make you any less of a parent?

My answer: Like commuting, it depends on what you see in parenting. Do you see it as chore that you want to put behind you, like changing the diapers and preparing the bottle, or as something you keep with you, like finding out what makes a baby giggle?

The same picture can look quite different when you turn it sideways, don't you think?