I have been neglecting my blog for some time now, partly due to the demands of rehabilitating my father who had just finished his 2-month chemotheraphy treatment, and partly due to my inability to find something positive to write about.
Oh, and not to mention a little tragedy that befell on me. My favorite nyonya kuih stall stopped selling and just disappeared. I swear it sells the best angkoo kuih I ever tasted. Sob sob, tea time's never going to be the same again.
Oklah those things aside, what's really chewing me is that a crossroad has presented itself to me yet again for the 3rd time in as many years. A chance to break free of this place and start life anew... in another land. I hate how those phone calls bring me sleepless nights.
The call goes something like this. "Hi Johan, remember me? Yeah I'm so and so, yada yada. How's it going? Listen, we have something going on in London / Denver / Shanghai. I know you've gotten out of the scene and everything but you're gonna love this. Would you consider joining us and helping us get this thing off the ground? We'll pay for relocation and expenses of course. Whaddya say?"
I am blessed with a wonderful ex boss who I think is behind these kind offers despite his cheeky denials, bless his heart. The last invite was from Shanghai that would have seen me placed in a Guangzhou office for at least 3 years, with a path to Denmark after that if I choose. I turned it down. With my father in the hospital and my mum alone at home, it was just impossible.
Last Saturday's phone call would see me off on a plane to the continental US this July, if I accept. So there I sat on the wooden stairs of our old kampung house, pondering. Behind door number 1, a white collar job, a home in a US suburb with a BMW 4-wheel drive in the garage. Behind door number 2, continuing life in this ulu place tending to my parents and my small vegetable plot and a rusty old bicycle for transport. So would it be door 1 or door 2?
Times like this has a habit of making you ponder who you live your life for... yourself or in service of others. I won't deny it, the current state of the country makes it extremely attractive to buy a one-way ticket out but how do you weigh that against the needs of your parents who are likely to suffer in your absence? A sick father who tells you, "Son, you're the only one left who cares for us. If not for you, we don't know what would become of us. Please don't leave us here alone."
And to know that your window to leave will only stay open for another year at most, after which it will be shut forever.
So door 1 or door 2?
How does one even begin to choose?
My dear Johan,
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this. Although I make the best of my life each day, I am always mindful of how easy it would be to change it to make ME happier. As you may know Stephen and I live apart because of his mom being in a nursing home. If you haven't seen that blog post, here it is:
http://steest.blogspot.com/2009/10/love-is-complicated.html
When I feel like changing our situation, I look at this mini poster and I bite the bullet and move on. I am sure Stephen does the same.
I now know you do too.
This will pass and you'll have no regrets. If you go, you'll be wracked with worries for your parents. You wouldn't have a moment of peace.
Chin up! :-)
Hi Lita, no I had no idea you and your hubby have that special arrangement but now I do, after reading your link. We seem to be faced with an eerily similar situation right down to the responses from our friends!
ReplyDeleteI guess conscience has a lot to do with the roads we take. Conscience followed me like a puppy very early in life. Its not something you really wanna wrestle with at the 'peak' of your career. It gets in the way of the take-no-prisoners behaviour you're supposed to sport as anyone of consequence.
Anyway I'm certain I won't be going anywhere until I am sure my parents are in good hands, either mine or my siblings which is a long story in itself.
But thanks for the words of encouragement and that beautiful mini poster which words I do most certainly relate to. :-)
I'm of the opinion that if I'm in this world for myself alone I might as well not live another moment. For then, it's only an existence, not a life.
ReplyDeleteHello LC, that's a wonderful insight. Trust a parent to be able to think that way. :-) It was that day a few years ago when I saw my sick father struggle with his cane to walk a kilometer to buy food for my mum that decided it for me. I've heard of how strong love can be but frankly that was the first time I saw it with my own eyes. Anyway all my siblings have left the nest with no indication of returning. I figure I owe it to my parents to return some of the favour and at the same time, free myself of fleeting worldly pursuits.
ReplyDelete